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February Horoscopes

Jakob Conrad, Staff Writer

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Aquarius:  The ghost of valentine’s days past will appear to you midnight tonight, and try to get you to buy 600$ worth of corporate holiday crap.

 

Aries: You’ll say or feel something like “well this might as well happen today” sometime this month.

 

Cancer: Beware the bees. You’ll know what it means.

 

Capricorn: You know that thing you promised yourself you’d do for a while now, and you thought today was gonna be the day? Yeah, not today.

 

Gemini: You will lose an arm. Or a leg. Or two arms? Look, just don’t mess with power tools today okay?

 

Leo: The stars are hazy, give the psychic another 50$ to clear up their astral visions.

 

Libra: You will miss out on a day of skydiving and ice cream if you don’t call the number written on the stall of the truckstop restroom.

 

Pisces: You’ll fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior when you find out just how fun that kind of stuff is.

 

Scorpio: your party encounters a slumbering red dragon. Roll a 15 or higher to successfully sneak past.

 

Sagittarius: You will finally start to take initiative in life, as soon as you win this next round of Fortnite.

 

Taurus: You will find yourself in the middle of a relationship when you inconsiderately shove your way past two people who were obviously about to kiss, jerk.

 

Virgo: You will get into a horrible accident involving a professional cyclist, a doctor, and a stage magician, but may be surprised to learn it mostly involves getting hit by a bus.

1 Comment

One Response to “February Horoscopes”

  1. Silverio Arroyo on February 21st, 2018 11:27 am

    I don’t like the bees. I like the DnD reference. Very funny and would like to see it more often if possible, maybe twice a month.

    [Reply]

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